So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
