For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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