I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
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What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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