you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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