At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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