I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize