Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I checked into jail on foursquare
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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