In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
