After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
