Dual....:-)
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
