I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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