I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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