Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
