dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
