It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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