i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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