Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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