My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
