I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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