I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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