There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
