I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
