Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
