# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
