Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
