i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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