My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
