its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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