just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
