Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
