We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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