you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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