I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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