There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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