my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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