Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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