I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
