If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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