She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
