dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
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There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
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a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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