i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
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Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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