party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
