oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
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After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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