I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
