I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
