I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
