I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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