i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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