don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
