Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
