it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
