im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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