Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
