i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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