im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
